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  • Writer's pictureClotaire Mandel

Size matters.

Sometimes I need to take a deep breath. Often actually. It's so invasive to feel so small, to have dream that big. It's not much a matter of distance, more than the perspective of a long straight line, which sometimes hunkers down. And it's a complex topic to talk about. You must have feel at the deep bottom of a gigantic wall to climb to understand that even imagination is not functionning out of a certain limit. Mostly when you are alone under a grey sky, and when it's mostly cold out there. Not too sure it's any cold actually. It's maybe just the excessiveness of perpectives who annihilates any kind of human warmth.

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath. You'd better look at a map. We can pedal hundred, two or three hundreds kilometres. Entire days. This small blue dot which you are on a map barely moves. You breath. And count. To have move so less, so much efforts has been needed. Everything flows in a different kind of war. A matter of temporality, the distance between two spots where human life goes on. Which from a cyclist perspective represents approximately a few eternities. To have wish so big, I feel ridiculously small. A day at a time. And yep, today is a grey day again. But tomorrow will shine from novelty and unexpected. Eucalyptus are scolling. I know everything is ephemeral. An eye open on the road, the other one, the congested soul one, is at rest. We can't overthink when we have to go far. My small but shaped calfs are my only logical link to time. I know the effort needed to free myself up from such a massive project. Sometimes, I have to take a deep breath. And one day, it will be the relief one. The done deal one. And just sorted, liying on a beach in Indonesia, I'll talk about it with humbleness in my voice. Nobody would know the quantity of slaps I kicked myself with, not to wake me up, but to force my thoughts to keep quiet. Every day the same feel as the sun comes down, and when people are clapping their hands knowing how far of a road ahead I have. The same feeling when being self realizing, doing bigger than myself. Overwhelming. Overpassing myself by distance, height or duration. And overpassing myself by developping a daily resilience to achieve the daily goal. And every night I cosily sleep, wrapped in a tent and a down sleeping bag. Only stability in a world which is every day moving towards place I know nothing about. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath. And having enough of targeting big, one day I'll come down to a more human scale. Big by being simplistic tho. Walking around a lake or wahtever. But walking around something, with family and friends. Telling how much I've dreamt about all those things I've selfishly left behind, after a long and necessary detour.


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